Posted by INTRUDN on December 22, 2000 at 05:00:18:
BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES S. CLAUS
By S. Artist
AUSTIN, Tx (Dec. 12) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W.
Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus
from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an
immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to
effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good
boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a
federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all
repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list
as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other
unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice.
It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to
check?
This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop
now," said former Secretary James Baker.
Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf
removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under
'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and
blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole."
"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just
walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or
anything."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea
to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable
thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough.
They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already
selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development
with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via
dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red
suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he
was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him.
"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho Ho' for days," said the spokes
elf. "He's just not feeling jolly."
A weary nation can relate.